I wish I could say I’m stronger and in a better place, but honestly, my heartache remains unchanged. I admit, though I’m not solely to blame, in large part, it’s my own damn fault.
I caved. I gave in.
Initially after the break up with Mr. Southern Someone I absolutely refused to speak with him. But as the weeks went on and as his persistence increased, I eventually caved. Tell me, how could I not? Here was the man I missed most telling me he missed me just as much. It was wonderful having my friend back. We essentially resumed our relationship without the status and I (in hindsight, stupidly) thought it would be okay. #HindsightIs2020
We fell into the routine of talking every day and sharing the intimate parts of our hearts. It was a closeness and a level of openness and honesty beyond what we had before. I didn’t tell anyone, partly because I liked the secret of it, but mostly because I knew I would be judged. Maybe not judged, but I knew my closest friends would disagree with my choice, or at the very least, worry. I thought I knew what I was doing, though truthfully, I wondered many times what that actually was. I ignored the warnings my brain was sending and told myself I’d be fine. #YOLO
By Christmas, I knew I was in trouble. He was texting me and asking for my help with buying his nieces Christmas presents, when I realized I didn’t just like this man, I loved him. From August to December, while we were “broken up”, I somehow managed to fall harder. #SHIT
One evening after the new year we were texting back-and-forth and flirting, when I boldly asked to come over. It was after 11:00 PM, he knew what I was asking. And I knew too! But up until that point it was always him initiating. After several minutes of him not responding to my question I immediately regretted asking. He said no and gave an explanation for which I don’t need to go into details about, but I shut down and verbally assaulted him via text message.
I was hurt and pissed off and DONE. #RejectionSUCKS
We didn’t talk for over a week and when he eventually reached out (because Lord knows I was going to be stubborn and not) he thanked me for being so tough on him. I listened to what he had to say but none of that made me feel the least bit better. It was particularly difficult to listen to him say that he wished we didn’t have the one huge difference between us. It was incredibly hurtful of him to say that we would be together if we saw eye to eye on that difference. I can own up to my part in what has transpired in the last six months, and yes, I admit, I thought our difference would resolve itself down the road, but he played a huge part in it too and I felt taken for granted.
It’s been over a month since that happened and I can’t say we haven’t talked, because we have, but it’s been different and my heart is just generally sad. His absence in my day-to-day has left a huge hole in my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him or want to reach out and share a part of my life, but I can’t continue this. I have to find a way to keep the distance and emotionally detach from him. I think he finally realizes this too because he hasn’t reached out to me either. It’s maddening and I hate every minute of it, but I don’t see another way.
Some days I think about downloading all those online dating apps and trying again, but then I shake my head and I realize I have nothing to give. I need to recenter myself and wait until my heart is ready to take another leap of faith.