Alone.

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. 

It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Alone sure is easier, but it also hurts like hell.

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Story of My Life

  

Reading this hit home for me. I feel like the men I’ve dated love the idea of me; they love my character, my heart, and the general goodness that I exude. Yet unfortunately, these men lack the maturity to handle the grown adult that I am. I have a good idea of what I want and what I want is real, mature, equal, selfless, head over heels love.  Hence, this quote is the story of my life.   

Over 2.0

I wish I could say I’m stronger and in a better place, but honestly, my heartache remains unchanged. I admit, though I’m not solely to blame, in large part, it’s my own damn fault. 

I caved. I gave in. 

#ForMonths

Initially after the break up with Mr. Southern Someone I absolutely refused to speak with him. But as the weeks went on and as his persistence increased, I eventually caved. Tell me, how could I not? Here was the man I missed most telling me he missed me just as much. It was wonderful having my friend back. We essentially resumed our relationship without the status and I (in hindsight, stupidly) thought it would be okay. #HindsightIs2020

We fell into the routine of talking every day and sharing the intimate parts of our hearts. It was a closeness and a level of openness and honesty beyond what we had before. I didn’t tell anyone, partly because I liked the secret of it, but mostly because I knew I would be judged. Maybe not judged, but I knew my closest friends would disagree with my choice, or at the very least, worry. I thought I knew what I was doing, though truthfully, I wondered many times what that actually was. I ignored the warnings my brain was sending and told myself I’d be fine. #YOLO 

By Christmas, I knew I was in trouble. He was texting me and asking for my help with buying his nieces Christmas presents, when I realized I didn’t just like this man, I loved him. From August to December, while we were “broken up”, I somehow managed to fall harder. #SHIT

One evening after the new year we were texting back-and-forth and flirting, when I boldly asked to come over. It was after 11:00 PM, he knew what I was asking. And I knew too! But up until that point it was always him initiating. After several minutes of him not responding to my question I immediately regretted asking. He said no and gave an explanation for which I don’t need to go into details about, but I shut down and verbally assaulted him via text message.

I was hurt and pissed off and DONE. #RejectionSUCKS

We didn’t talk for over a week and when he eventually reached out (because Lord knows I was going to be stubborn and not) he thanked me for being so tough on him. I listened to what he had to say but none of that made me feel the least bit better. It was particularly difficult to listen to him say that he wished we didn’t have the one huge difference between us. It was incredibly hurtful of him to say that we would be together if we saw eye to eye on that difference. I can own up to my part in what has transpired in the last six months, and yes, I admit, I thought our difference would resolve itself down the road, but he played a huge part in it too and I felt taken for granted.

It’s been over a month since that happened and I can’t say we haven’t talked, because we have, but it’s been different and my heart is just generally sad. His absence in my day-to-day has left a huge hole in my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him or want to reach out and share a part of my life, but I can’t continue this. I have to find a way to keep the distance and emotionally detach from him. I think he finally realizes this too because he hasn’t reached out to me either. It’s maddening and I hate every minute of it, but I don’t see another way.

Some days I think about downloading all those online dating apps and trying again, but then I shake my head and I realize I have nothing to give. I need to recenter myself and wait until my heart is ready to take another leap of faith.

Not Ready

Today is one of the most gorgeous days we have had in months. Light breeze, sunshine, low humidity. #Perfection

I don’t know if it was the weather or what, but this afternoon I decided to download the dating app I had used pre-heartbreak and reinstate my profile. This required creating a screen name, uploading pictures and writing “a blurb” about myself. I was doing fine until the it came time to write about myself and what I was looking for.

{Let me pause here and tell you that I am witnessing the most pathetic teenage girl flirt shamelessly with a boy. She thinks stealing his hat and threatening to throw it over the bridge  is cute. Gah. #TeenageAntics}

What am I looking for? That’s the million dollar question. I can tell you what I am NOT looking for, but sensing that was dangerous and pessimistic ground for a profile, I quickly typed a few sentences and left it at that. 

Profile created. 

Shit.

I hadn’t even hit the home button on the app when my phone was buzzing with notifications. Within seconds I had two messages and 10 profile views. I instantly regretted what I had done. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm myself, but quickly scrolling through my so-called “matches” confirmed what my stomachache was telling me. 

I am not ready for this.

Within minutes I hid my profile and deleted the app. #Phew 

Crisis adverted.

The hurt, sadness and deep missing of Mr. Southern Someone is still raw and real. The past few weeks has made me realize how much I truly cared and today proved what I am feeling doesn’t have a quick fix. As desperate as I am to replace these feelings with better ones, I need to remind myself that it’s okay, I have the right to feel like I do and give myself time.

Status: Single

I have stared at this screen for over an hour and have written many different thoughts, only to erase them all.  Clearly my heart doesn’t want to write this next sentence. I am 120 hours single and didn’t see it coming.

Turns out, I cared for Mr. Southern Someone more than he cared for me. #blindsided #worstfeelingEVER

I am pissed and bitter, but above all, I am sad.  He was my best friend and I am very hurt.  Others in my life have tried to make me feel better, but silently I beg, please, while I can, allow me to wallow.  I can’t possibly listen to your eternal optimism and your “life goes on” quotes.  Save it for Pinterest.

Last night he sent me a text to tell me that he cares about how I feel and wants it [my sadness?] to go away. At first I laughed. A HUGE, mean, sadistic laugh.  Then I had to put my phone down and walk away before I threw up. I want to be angry and I want to hate him.  Those emotions propelled me through my breakup with douchekabob. But the fact of the matter is, I’m not angry and I don’t hate him.  I couldn’t possibly. For seven months or so, I dated a really good man.  His honesty broke my heart, but who can fault honesty?  Isn’t that the one trait I demanded from the start?  The one I most respected about our relationship?

*sigh*

So now, here I sit, single, sad and starting over.

Sidenote: Mr. Southern Someone knows about this blog.  Isn’t that great? [insert sarcastic look] Somewhere along me falling for him I decided to open my heart just a tad more and share this blog.  He wanted me to write about him and I jokingly said I would if he ever dumped me.  Jokes on me now.  #LoveSucks

Mr. Southern Someone

I’ve met someone. Actually, I met this someone quite a few months ago….

#Sorry #SorryNotSorry

Mr. Southern Someone is, as my friend A constantly reminds me, “a really good human being”.  She’s absolutely right. He is.

I started chatting with Mr. Southern Someone last last November. *gasp* I know, I haven’t kept my followers in the loop. Mr. Southern Someone was different, in a great way, and I didn’t want to blog about him. Granted I told A all about him, but for the most part, Mr. Southern Someone and our initial conversations (and eventual first dates) were special. Not crazy. Not weird. Not creepy and especially, not run for the hills. 

Our first date was to Starbucks and I think I smiled the entire hour we sat and talked. My first impression was that he is tall, has a great smile and made me feel at ease at once. Our second date was planned immediately and he took me to a quiet restaurant where we had a terrific time talking over dinner. The third date was planned via text within an hour of saying goodbye and from there? Well, it’s been nothing short of fun and refreshing. 

He makes me laugh and smile. He’s a great hugger (kisser too – *blushes*) and communicator. He loves his sister and nieces; he speaks highly of his parents and they visit him frequently. Of course he has his own past, but he’s open and honest and can express himself. As I said, it’s refreshing. 

Mr. Southern Someone and I agreed to delete our online dating profiles (back in January I believe) and are exclusively dating. I don’t call him my boyfriend, but he is. I feel weird not referring to him my boyfriend; I use him real name in context. Which, by the way, is a REALLY awesome name. 

We have doubled dated with A and her fiancé on several occasions. They like him and he likes them. It’s easy and it’s exactly what I need. 

This Southern Single Girl is single no longer and her Mr. Southern Someone is pretty awesome and I’m thankful the odds were in my favor

Note: I have loved blogging and found it very therapeutic, especially in the early months. Even though I’m technically not single, I will find something to blog about.